Beautiful Disaster
by collegesweetheart
Summary: HOUSECAMERON XMAS STORY. Cam's POV. Based around the song by Kelly Clarkson. How will Cameron's dead husband help her help House? Better than it sounds.
1. Chapter 1

**Beautiful Disaster.**

**Disclaimer:** don't own any of the characters, or the song. The song is 'Beautiful Disaster', sung by Kelly Clarkson.

_

* * *

He drowns in his dreams_

_An exquisite extreme I know_

_He's as damned as he seems_

_More heaven than a heart could hold_

Cameron sat quietly on her sofa, switching between reading a medical journal and a novel. Since she started studying at college, she had never been able to read one thing at a time. It was an odd trait, she knew. But it helped keep her brain occupied, and for some reason things seemed to sink in better. Barefoot despite the cold of winter, she had her feet tucked beneath her grey track pants, one of her husband's old shirts wrapped around her. While he had been in no way a big man, she was so small huddled in a corner, that the shirt almost wrapped around her twice. Stifling a yawn, Cameron closed her books and pulled off her reading glasses. The old radio she kept in the kitchen rattled off a weather report. _Looks like we might have a white Christmas after all._ The last time Princeton had a white Christmas was when… But it would be nice to see some snow. The winter so far had brought nothing but rain, fog and the occasional hail. Cameron let her head drop back onto the back of the couch and closed her eyes. The night before Christmas Eve was one Cameron could only ever spend alone. She followed her routine strictly.

Eggnog and Christmas Carols after work, followed by an hour or so of watching the home movie of her first Christmas as a married woman. Steve had followed her around with the camcorder, both of them laughing as she pulled the turkey out of the oven with flourish only to find that it was still half-raw – the gas bottle had run apparently run out. Her first Christmas with her new husband and they had eaten microwave dinners.

After that, Cameron would start to decorate the tree – a fake, she couldn't bring herself to kill a real one. The angel at the top was from her parent's tree, made out of a polystyrene ball and a cone of cardboard by herself at the age of five.

Once the decorations were up, it would be a glass of red wine and some reading. Then, on to bed. This was the real reason she kept to the routine so strictly. Because on the same night for the past six years, Stephen came to her in her dreams. Not in the psychic way, just as memories. She never knew when the dream started, just that at the end, she looked across in the morning light filtering into the bedroom and saw Steve, Peaceful. Beautiful. Dead. She woke up crying. For some reason Christmas Eve never got any easier. People always told her it would get better with time.

Yet Allison never feared Christmas Eve, knowing what it would bring. When she had to be around people during the day she was hollow, like a shell of a human, functioning on auto-pilot. It was only when she got back to her apartment at night that she felt like a human being again.

This particular night, the routine was almost finished. Cupping the base of the wine glass, Cameron swirled it around before swallowing the dregs of smooth merlot. Sighing, she stood and moved to the kitchen, putting the glass in the sink and turning off the transistor. _Time for bed_.

* * *

The dream came as expected that night, but the next morning Cameron woke with a smile on her face. She hummed a little to herself as she fixed breakfast. It was all okay. Steve hadn't died in the end of this one. He was there, smiling, wishing her a merry Christmas Eve. The smile didn't leave Cameron's face until she walked into the office an hour later. Yes, it was a Saturday, but the patient they were treating didn't want to recognize that, apparently. He had taken a turn for the worse overnight, and the whole team was back in to determine a new diagnosis. As she made coffee, fixing it just how her boss liked it, an acerbic voice cut over her shoulder.

"Oh goody, it's Christmas. Look, my heart is going all warm and fuzzy with merriment. Or perhaps that's the brandy." Cameron ignored her boss's barbed comment. "Christmas carols Cameron? Does this place look like a shopping mall? Actually, don't answer that… I think the janitors and Cuddy have conspired to kill all the patients with a tinsel overdose so they don't need to work tomorrow."

Cameron blushed when she realized she had been singing softly. It wasn't that she had a bad voice, it was just that the only lyrics she could remember to 'Joy to the World' were the schoolyard version. She spun around and passed House his coffee.

"Good Morning Dr. House." The greeting, while perhaps a little stiff and formal, was satisfying. If just for the look on his face when he realized he wasn't getting a rise out of her.

"Well aren't you just the merry little elf." Still nothing. "What, no candy canes this year? A little overly politically-correct aren't we?" _Ah_. A look of embarrassment crossed her face as she remembered what had happened the year before when she had offered him a candy cane. For once he watched in quiet amazement as Cameron left the room without another word. There were no tears, no angry biting of lips, just a curt-yet-polite nod of the head and she left him to his demons. She had to do something about him, it had taken Steve to help her see that, but she knew it now.

_And if I tried to save him _

_My whole world would cave in_

_Just ain't right _

_Just ain't right_

_Oh and I don't know_

_I don't know what he's after_

_But he's so beautiful_

_He's such a beautiful disaster_

_And if I could hold on_

_Through the tears and the laughter_

_Would it be beautiful?_

_Or just a beautiful disaster_

* * *

Hopefully will be 3 parts, one going up on Xmas eve, and one on Xmas day. Don't count on it tho, cos i'm working all day tomorrow and will be out most of sunday. Please R&R though... i need to know what you think!

-Cass.


	2. Chapter 2

Okay, so the reference to Mr. Dallas is my tribute to Jeevesandwooster who use that same name (or a variation) in their House stories. I'm sorry that the story is rushed and a bit sucky, but i wrote it in half an hour this morning.

* * *

_He's magic and myth_

_As strong as what I believe_

_A tragedy with_

_More damage than a soul should see_

The festive spirit had hit Cameron particularly hard this year, but evidently not as hard as it had hit Wilson. The oncologist was walking down the hall about 200 feet from Cameron and she laughed as she saw him ogle one of the interns. _Poor Julie. _She wondered how the woman could stay with him. Of course, Wilson simply maintained that he hadn't found the right woman. It seemed to be a marriage of convenience more than anything. Cameron called out to him, and he turned and stopped to let her catch up. As she got closer she started to giggle. He had a ridiculously loud light-up tie on, as well as a Christmas-pudding shaped hat on his head.

"Um, nice. Festive," was all she could say when she reached him. Wilson gave his trademark smile and they started towards House's office.

* * *

"Julie let you leave the house like that? Your marriage must be worse than I thought." The playful tone of House's voice shouldn't have surprised Cameron, but it did. Wilson grimaced. "So, are we still on for the bar crawl tonight?"

"Uh, House? There might be a little bit of a problem with that plan.

"Jimmy…" There was a warning tone to House's voice as he realized what his friend was trying to say. "You're not going to leave me alone on Christmas Eve, are you?"

Wilson seemed slightly flustered, and tried to explain himself. "Well, Julie and I… you know we've been having problems… her parents are coming up for Christmas… should be getting to the house about now actually…" His ramblings were cut short by a glare from House. "Julie told me if I wasn't home by 5.01 tonight I wouldn't have a home to go to."

House sighed. Despite how he acted, he cared deeply for his friend, and knew that failing at a third marriage would mean another two weeks sleeping on House's couch, eating House's food and drinking House's liquor.

"_Wow_. That was possibly _the_ most pussy-whipped excuse I've ever heard you come out with. But anyway, don't worry. It's only drinks. Nothing important."

In truth it was important. Because drinks with Jimmy on Christmas Eve was his way of getting through the Christmas holidays. According to Cuddy he _had_ to take Christmas Day off – a staff member could only work two out of every three Christmases. House looked at his watch and made a show of standing up. "Better gather all the Ducklings. Cameron," She looked up guiltily from where she stood at the coffee maker 'not listening'. "Page Foreman and Chase."

* * *

Two hours later and they had figured out what was wrong with Mr. Dallas. As Cameron gathered her things from the office, she noticed House sitting by the window, twirling his cane in thought.

A pang in her heart almost prompted her to start a conversation with him, but at the last second her brain reminded her that he didn't want to be with her.

"Doctor House?" He stopped twirling his cane, but apart from that gave no indication he had heard her.

"I'm going home now. Um, Merry Christmas." The last part came out hesitantly, almost whispered. Mentally she chastised herself. What, she couldn't even wish her boss a happy holiday now? Just because the date had been such a nightmare…

"I'll see you in a few days." Her thoughts were interrupted by his reply. Smiling wistfully to herself, Cameron picked up her bag and left. As she exited the room, she could have sworn she heard him softly wish her a happy holiday as well.

* * *

Cameron paced her living room. She stopped periodically in front of the heater, deep in thought before recommencing her movement.

_But do I try to change him?_

_So hard not to blame him_

_Hold on tight_

_Hold on tight_

_Oh and I don't know_

_I don't know what he's after_

_But he's so beautiful_

_He's such a beautiful disaster_

_And if I could hold on_

_Through the tears and the laughter_

_Would it be beautiful?_

_Or just a beautiful disaster_

How could this happen? For the first time in six years, home was no comfort to Cameron. It felt hollow, empty and cold. Within moments she had made up her mind. Like it or not, he was going to have to deal with it. Neither of them wanted to spend the night alone.

Cameron changed into some clothes that were more suitable for being seen in public, and before she knew it she was in her car, driving to his House. She had only been there once before – the night she had quit. Well, tonight was different. Tonight she was going there because she couldn't quit. Steve had shown her that. With Steve, Allison had been forced to face the knowledge that soon she could be alone. She had been forced to be strong, for her family, her husband and herself. But the dream the night before had shown her that things didn't always turn out the way you expect. Sometimes something happens that brightens your life.

_I'm longing for love and the logical  
But he's only happy hysterical  
I'm searching for some kind of miracle  
Waited so long  
So long_

* * *

Tentatively she knocked on the door. When she couldn't hear a sound inside, part of Cameron was tempted to leave. But the other part of her, the part that knew she couldn't handle being alone on the anniversary of her husband's death, willed her to stay. She knocked again.

"I'm not home."  
A smile twitched across her face. Three more knocks. There was a shuffle behind the door and she found herself holding her breath as House looked through the peephole.

"Whatever you're selling, I don't want any." He opened the door and glared at Cameron. She simply gave him a sad look.

"Can I come in?"

"Can I stop you?" He opened the door wider and stepped back to let her pass. "Come to help me drown my sorrows? Or was Chase busy tonight?" The jibes were only half-hearted, so she ignored them. He walked past her as she stood in the hall and seated himself on the sofa. Cameron knew that he would try to irritate her by saying nothing, waiting for her to crack. So instead she moved towards him and sat herself on the other end of the sofa. But before long she turned to him.

"You know I don't want to fix you."

House snorted a laugh. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his Vicodin. Cameron expected him to stop her, and when he didn't she fell silent again. After a few minutes she tried again.

"I'm sorry for coming here. But I couldn't stay at home."

"What, you would have spent Christmas Eve wondering about the poor miserable cripple? Well rest assured, he has the company of a bottle of whisky." Cameron looked away from him, staring out of the window at the dark, swirling air.

"No. The reason I'm here is completely selfish. Today is the sixth anniversary of Steve's death." She flinched as she said this. "I couldn't… I couldn't stay by myself."

"And so you came here? I'm not much company." The bitterness in his voice was unmistakable. He was about to launch into a scathing attack about her emotions when he glanced across and saw the distinct shining trail of tears on her cheeks. Cameron furiously wiped them from her face. She hadn't come around here to cry. With burning eyes she turned on him.

"House, I don't want to fix you. I can't. I didn't want to fix Steve either. I truly loved him. The difference between you and him is that he let me in. You're think you're helping me by pretending you feel nothing. You think a young girl like me shouldn't be weighed down by a misanthropic old bastard like yourself. Well I have news for you. I'm a big girl Doctor House. I know how to look after myself."

"Are you finished?" His sarcastic interruption jolted her out of her rant. She nodded haltingly. "Good. Now this is probably just the whisky talking, and I know I'll regret this when I'm sober. But what the hell. Yes, I hired you because I thought you were like lobby art. Yes, I do believe that some part of you does want to fix me. And yes, I don't admit that I'm attracted to you because of the age difference."

_He's soft to the touch  
But frayed at the end he breaks  
He's never enough  
And still he's more than I can take_

Cameron looked at the fierceness in her boss's eyes. She knew it matched her own. Her own anger flared up as his words sunk in. He still didn't believe that she could look after herself. He was exactly the same…

And then his lips were on hers, gentle and harsh at the same time. After the shock subsided she felt her body soften and lean towards his. Her lips parted slightly and their tongues meshed, shocks of electricity passing between them. Her mind went blank as they kissed passionately, and then after a while the kiss softened. House pulled back and Cameron slowly opened her eyes. The look in his eyes read of fear and mild confusion. But he had kissed her.

"Doctor Cameron, I…" He stuttered, trying to find a way to back out of what he had just done, but before he finished his sentence Allison leant back across and kissed him again, stopping his excuses before they could have even been formed.

_Oh 'cause I don't know  
I don't know what he's after  
But he's so beautiful  
Such a beautiful disaster  
And if I could hold on  
Through the tears and the laughter  
Would it be beautiful?  
Or just a beautiful disaster_

_He's beautiful  
He's such a beautiful disaster_

* * *

Please r&r... Merry Xmas!


End file.
